A month and a half ago, one of my closest friends married another one of my close friends in Los Olivos, California. Kaitlyn and Dave met about two and half years prior (right?) and then started flirting with one another at our weekly, Los Angeles writer’s group (definitely right). THEN Kait, Dave, Dave’s friend Dante, and I went to Solvang for Thanksgiving weekend, and they REALLY HIT IT OFF IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (sorry guys).
Anyway, their wedding was just as gorgeous as I expect their marriage will be, just as beautiful as they are as individuals, and just as fun as they were that time we all took off to Santa Barbara on a Wednesday, got drunk off mimosas, and ran into then-cold Pacific ocean. I love these two little birds and I’m very, very, very grateful to have joined in on their wedding celebration. There was little sleep, 2 AM chats in the bathtub, and lots and lots of champagne.
Thursday 2:20 PM: After a big shop at the local grocery store (eggs, OJ, red bull, and champagne create the breakfast of champions), we meet up at our ranch style-home in Los Olivos. Los Olivos is in Southern California; if you’re in Santa Barbara, and head east over the mountains, you’ll land in a cluster of five “wine towns,” including the green and gold pinot-flavored oasis that is Los Olivos. We are in walking distance from at least 10 tasting rooms, but keep ourselves occupied with traditional Bachelorette party games, such as "drink from this bong made specifically for champagne because it's what the bride wants."
Thursday 7:03 PM: We keep drinking champagne. Nothing has really changed, but seems appropriate to touch base. I think we are now changing into fancy clothes.
Thursday 8:17 PM: We go to dinner at a Mexican restaurant where we order chili rellenos, nachos, and margaritas. Some people are too drunk to finish their margaritas so Macki and I finish the leftovers. All of the waiters hate us.
Thursday 9:45 PM: We go home and everyone has rallied. Those who looked as if they were about to pass out get their second wind, and we have drunken photoshoots while laying on the carpet.
Thursday 12:11 AM: CHAMBONGS!!!!!!!!
Friday 7:51 AM: Several members of the Brothel vow never to drink again.
Friday 10:30 AM: We drink mimosas at the nail salon.
Friday 12:16 PM: Nails are done. We wander around Solvang and I am tricked into buying a Turkish wool shawl and at first I have buyer’s remorse, but now, two months later, I love that damn scarf. It is like wearing a blanket on my face, and now I can empathize with men who have very large beards. Anyway, then we go wine tasting, where Amber and I sit in the most comfortable Adirondack chairs to have ever existed and put our wine in the little holders. I decide that one day I will have Adirondack chairs, and I will sit in them over Thanksgiving while my future husband and I wear sweaters and our beautiful children make us food.
Friday 1:13 PM: We eat lunch and I use the phrase “house of sluts” ( it’s empowering and I’m allowed to say it when I am using it as a positive descriptor of my best female friends and we all do it and we’re all sluts including our cats, and if the president can say "grab 'em by the pussy," I can refer to myself as a slut) a little too loudly (even I shouldn’t say sluts very loudly in case strangers don’t know I mean well) when making a speech. We are taking a break from the bubbly and drinking Rosé.
Friday 3:55 PM: Is it acceptable to pregame a wedding rehearsal? We do.
Friday 5:26 PM: The officiant said some dumb shit (Kaitlyn and Dave will eventually fire him for being an asshole) and now we need to drink champagne to cheer ourselves up. Also, Macki is lying on on a cow-hide rug.
Friday 6:33 PM: At the rehearsal dinner! Happy again! Sooooo much white wine!
Friday 8:17 PM: It is dark so we switch to red wine. #classy
Friday 10:15 PM: All of the family members send the bridal party home so that we can get enough sleep before the big day. Kaitlyn and the brothel girls and the bridesmaids just end up playing drinking games at home. By 1 AM we have all crammed ourselves into the bathroom. There aren’t enough spots on the floor so some people sit in the tub. There is more champagne and we talk about how much we love each other. It is hard to tell the difference between tears and champagne drool.
Saturday 10:19 AM: WEDDING DAY!! We see a tarantula crossing the road (good luck?) and get coffee before arriving at the venue. We get ready in the casita, AKA a house place made of just bedrooms and bathrooms that makes us feel like desert royalty. We set up the mimosa bar and start drinking, but like, a respectable amount. We got a long day ahead of us, kids.
Saturday 5:23 PM: Kaitlyn and Dave are married! We go to take bridal party pictures and the day of coordinator brings us wine and artichoke-stuffed mushroom caps. We go to take pictures and see another tarantula.
Saturday 6:07 PM: Speeches are made. Dinner drinks are served and I go the white wine. I drink this approximately all night.
Saturday 10:15 PM: Water????
Saturday 11:01 PM: The reception is ending and the kitchen is giving away bottles of wine. I have made friends with a handsome man; we steal some of the wine and drink it under the stars.
Sunday 10:46 PM: I have vowed never to drink again, but everyone is drinking mimosas, and when in Rome, kiddos.
Sunday 1:27 PM: Brunch is definitely over, but I am sticking around because I hate the idea of leaving this fantasy land and going back to the real world. Rick (father of the groom) sends me off with a bottle of champagne, which he says is a gift, but I think he is just trying to get rid of me.
Sunday 2:17 PM: One final wine tasting because A) I’m not driving, and B) my liver is done trying to convince me otherwise and C) vacation, and D) WINE COUNTRY, BABY!!!!
By the time the entire weekend was over, the feeling of being hit by a truck is surpassed by the joy of witnessing two wonderful humans pledge their lives together. Congrats, Kait and Dave, and sorry it took me so long to write about how drunk I got at your wedding.